Frightening
by BabelFish42
Summary: Jasper isn't one to wear his emotions on his sleeve. What was really going through his head during the fighting demonstration with Alice?


**Disclaimer:** Twilight isn't mine. Many thanks to Stephanie Meyer for letting me borrow her fascinating characters.

A/N: I feel kind of silly dedicating this, what, 3,000 word one-shot to someone. Eh, whatever. This one's for Angeliss, because she thought I should write it. As always, thanks for the encouragement! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Fear not, I am still writing Climate Change. In fact, the next chapter should be up pretty soon. But this little fic was making a lot of racket in my head, so I decided to let it out first.

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I laughed as I released an extremely frustrated Emmett. I was rather pleased with myself. It was high time Emmett began to feel a bit less cocky about the upcoming battle. I gave a tiny shudder. How he could actually be looking forward to fighting newborns was completely beyond me. As much as I loved and respected my brother, there were times when he could be an absolute idiot. This was one of them.

"Again," Emmett demanded.

"It's my turn," protested Edward, obviously eager to step into the ring.

"In a minute," I replied, raising a hand to indicate he should wait. "I have something to show Bella first."_ I don't want her worrying about Alice, _I added mentally. _ She's been sick with worry lately._ I pictured the demonstration I had planned.

Edward raised an eyebrow. He had read my thoughts far too often to believe that Bella was my only motivation. Edward was well aware that Bella wasn't the only one who needed to see proof that Alice was more than capable of surviving a battle. But he stepped back without comment. _Thank you, Edward_, I thought. He gave a barely noticeable nod. There may not have been any secrets in our family, but we could still make an effort to respect each other's privacy.

I beckoned Alice into the ring. She flashed me as smile as she danced forward. I gave her a small smile in return, knowing that we were both thinking the same thing. The look of her face told me she was remembering the conversation we'd had earlier.

We had been alone, hanging lights around the trees along our driveway in preparation for tonight's graduation party. No one but Alice cared about the party decorations, and no one but me cared about helping her.

"_What_ was that?" Alice suddenly whipped her head around, wearing one of her most dangerous expressions. She dropped the string of light bulbs she'd been attaching to a particularly large tree, and crossed the road to where I was adorning the tree perpendicular to hers.

"What was what?" I asked innocently. She must have seen something. But it couldn't be related to what I'd been thinking a moment before. It couldn't. I hadn't made any decisions. I hadn't planned anything. Alice must have seen something else.

"Jasper," she nearly growled, "why did I just see you intentionally attack a human? The night before the newborns arrive?"

I winced. So she had seen what I'd been… considering.

"Well?" she snapped. I hated to feel so much anger coming from her under any circumstances, but it was much worse knowing the anger was directed at me.

"I… Alice, I hadn't made a definite decision," I said, in a beseeching voice.

"But why would you even consider it?" she demanded. There was a note of grief in her voice this time. "What could possibly be your reason for even thinking about going back to that?"

"Of course I don't want to go back," I protested weakly. "You know that. It would have been just this once."

"Every addiction starts out as 'just this once,' " she snarled.

I turned away, avoiding her eyes. Trying to pacify her with my talent would only make her more upset in the long run. But I couldn't bring myself to explain my thoughts either. So I merely stood and stared off into the woods, torn by indecision as her anger mounted.

"Talk to me!" she exclaimed. Her voice dropped to a whisper, and waves of pain as well as anger began to emanate from her. "I don't understand. What I saw was premeditated, Jasper. It was no accident, no paper-cut this time. Why would you want to throw away all the self-control you've worked so hard to build?"

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I promise I won't do anything like that. It's just that… I keep imagining it, Alice. They outnumber us more than two to one. None of you have fought them before. None of you really grasp what we're up against. I do." I took a shuddering breath before continuing. "It will be a miracle if we come out of this unscathed. And what if… what if, at some crucial moment, I'm a second too late, or a fraction too weak?"

I took one of her hands with both of mine. Rather than holding it gently, I gripped her fingers tightly, desperately.

"I know it would be wrong," I continued. "But if that extra bit of strength made all the difference between saving or losing you or one of the others… maybe I wouldn't care about right and wrong. Maybe I have higher priorities."

Alice looked up at me, her anger mostly gone. In its place was a strange mixture of tenderness and exasperation.

"Jasper," she sighed. "You're worse than Bella. I'm going to be _fine_. We all are. Stop being so pessimistic."

"You can't know that," I shook my head. "You haven't seen the outcome of this battle. You've never even been in a battle!"

"Oh, so you think I can't take care of myself then?" she asked, a slight edge to her voice. "Your chivalry is endearing, really. You're quite the gentleman. But it's also kind of insulting."

"Alice," I sighed. "Don't take this the wrong way. You are the most amazing being I have ever met. But, as talented as you are, this is something you've never done before."

Alice's yellow eyes narrowed.

"I bet I could beat you," she taunted.

"Is that a challenge?" I teased, smiling in spite of myself. "I know that betting against you is generally a bad idea, but for once I think you might be mistaken."

"Hah! I could beat you with my eyes closed!" Alice replied smugly. "Tonight. During your little lesson, when everyone is watching."

"All right," I laughed. "Impress me."

At the time, I hadn't anticipated 'everyone' would include an enormous pack of werewolves, of course. Their overpowering stench in the clearing made me a little nervous, but I was grateful to have them there. We needed all the allies we could get. I turned to face Bella, who was standing at the edge of the circle holding Edward's hand. The poor girl was already pulsing with anxiety.

"I know you worry about her," I explained. "I want to show you why that's not necessary." I turned back towards Alice again.

"Sure, Jasper," Alice murmured, too softly for anyone else to hear. "Let's make sure _Bella_ believes I can survive a battle."

I dropped into a familiar crouch and began to slowly circle her. Every fiber of my body tensed. My already heightened senses became even sharper than usual. As I had long ago learned to do, I became completely focused on my… target. I was perfectly attuned to her every move, to her smell, to the most subtle changes in her emotional state.

Alice smiled and closed her eyes. My own eyes widened with shock. Even though I had known she would close her eyes, the sight of her face, with both golden eyes buried beneath their lids, disturbed me. Alice almost never had reason to keep her eyes shut that way. No vampire would. The face Alice now wore was a face of sleep… or of death.

I lunged!

But, just when I thought I had her, she stepped away, quick as lightning. I blew past, empty-handed, and landed a couple yards away. I spun around immediately and began to stalk her again. I slunk to her left in complete silence, without even breathing.

I leapt! I flew towards her, both arms outstretched, aiming for her waist. Again, she slipped away from me at the last second.

Tonight's training was not like the wrestling matches Emmett challenged me to on a regular basis. These movements were different, yet sickeningly familiar. How many times now had I wished my memory was less than perfect? Some things were much better off forgotten. Unbidden and untarnished by time, memories of distant battles rose to the surface of my mind: images of carnage, wild screams of rage and shrieks of triumph, the acrid smell of smoke, the raging torrent of hatred and pain and bloodlust. Worst of all were the memories of my own hands, outstretched the same way they were now, as I lunged and caught hold of a target. My own hands, ripping and tearing, the tortured faces of hundreds of victims… then Alice's face superimposed on theirs.

No. That wouldn't happen to Alice. I would not allow it.

I leapt, grabbed, missed, landed gracefully in a crouch, spun around and leapt again! Our movements were speeding up, becoming a kind of wild, frenzied dance. Alice dodged every attempt I made to touch her, moving so fast that she seemed to have no more substance than a ghost.

I would gladly be rid of my perfect, photographic memory. However, there were certainly some aspects of my vampire mind I enjoyed. For instance, it was very convenient to be able to give my full attention to multiple trains of thought simultaneously. Even while I remained completely focused on the duel with Alice, my mind was able to mull over the events that had led up to this mock fight… and that would soon culminate in a very real fight with the newborn army. As I tried and failed again and again to get my hands around Alice, my thoughts drifted back to the day that had marked the beginning of our involvement in this mess.

We were all gathered in the living room, watching the news . For one brief but fatal moment, I slipped. I thought about the one thing I had been trying to keep from my mind whenever my brother was nearby. Our entire family was sitting around discussing the mysterious deaths in Seattle, making it very difficult for me to completely ignore the topic. I had a theory of my own, but I had been very careful not to voice it or even think about it around Edward. Until now.

"Oh," Edward said sharply, looking at me. I immediately thought about our next hunting trip, the upcoming graduation, anything else that came to mind. But I was too late. Edward had seen. Judging by his annoyance, he also realized I had been hiding this.

"I didn't think of that," my brother continued. He frowned at me, silently asking why I _had_ thought of it, but hadn't shared my suspicions with anyone.

_Edward, I can't be sure._

I felt his skepticism. He knew I still wasn't telling him something. Meanwhile, I felt the stares and irritation of the rest of my family, all waiting to know what Edward had heard me thinking.

_All right,_ I admitted. _I have no idea who would be creating an army, or why, but I _am_ sure that's what we're seeing. But I didn't want to mention it. I didn't want to believe it. Edward…_ memories from the South surfaced in my mind… _I don't want that here. I don't want our family involved_… this time an image of Alice's smiling face flashed through my head…_ I've been hoping the problem will resolve itself._

"I see," he said aloud. "You're right. That has to be it. Well, that changes everything."

Edward paused, looking at me expectantly. His expression was sympathetic but firm.

_Listen, we don't have to take responsibility for this,_ I thought urgently._ I'm sure the Volturi will step in soon. I'm shocked they've let it go on so long already. This isn't our problem, Edward._

"I think you'd better explain this to the others," he replied. It was a command, not a suggestion.

_Because if I don't, you will?_

Edward gave the tiniest smile, and nodded his head ever so slightly. Then he turned and began to pace. His tension and anxiety did nothing to help me.

"What could be the purpose of this?" he wondered.

Alice suddenly materialized by my side, emitting a combination of concern and confusion.

"What is he rambling about?" she asked gently. "What are you thinking?"

I could read the unspoken question in her eyes. She wanted to know what I was thinking, but also, more importantly, why I hadn't told her my guesses. We never kept anything hidden from each other. But I had good reason for keeping quiet until Edward overheard me. I didn't want any of us to get involved in this. Especially not Alice.

She seemed so fragile now, standing in the center of the clearing, with her thin child-like limbs and frail-looking body. I knew appearances were deceptive. I had seen Alice hunt, after all. She could be very deadly when necessary. However, what I knew and what I felt were two entirely different things. At the moment, logic was losing the battle against emotion.

I jumped towards her! I missed again!

I was making an effort to act purely on instinct, without strategy or forethought. If I acted without consciously deciding to do so, Alice would have only a fraction of a second to see me coming. However, that fraction of a second apparently gave her plenty of time to react.

I turned, lunged, missed!

Each time I would come so close! I practically had her in my hands, then she would slip away at the last possible second. Fine. I would simply have to pick up the pace even more. Maybe I could overwhelm her with a series of rapid assaults. It was a strange situation. I was determined to catch her, yet, at the same time, I desperately hoped I would fail.

I jumped and missed, jumped and missed again! Each time she seemed to slip through my fingers like a vapor. I may as well have been trying to catch smoke.

I was leaping, landing, spinning, lunging, faster and faster!

My thoughts drifted to the past once more. Alice and I were upstairs, in the room we shared in Denali. Alice had frozen, eyes glazed over.

"Bella, no, don't jump!" she screamed. "NO!"

I jumped! I reached, missed, landed, turned, lunged again!

Never before had I felt Alice reeling with so much pain. She was heartbroken, and determined to return to Forks to see Charlie. I asked her not to go. I refused to accompany her. I insisted we should keep our promise to Edward and not interfere. I begged her not to leave. But she drove away.

I was chasing, grabbing, reaching, grasping, yet she was slipping through my fingers…

"Jasper, it's me." Alice's voice was slightly garbled by the bad phone connection, but I still recognized her immediately. "Bella and I are on a plane to New York City."

"Alice, what's going on?" I said, speaking much too fast for a human to understand. "Where are you going? Have you seen Edward?"

Alice was always just out of reach… she was escaping me, leaving me…

As Alice summarized the crisis, I could feel my entire body freezing in place. No. Not Volterra. If my heart hadn't stopped beating over a century ago, it might have when I heard those words.

"We're coming with you," I declared. "We can be in New York by-"

"No, you can't," Alice said bluntly. Bella was the only one Edward could be allowed to see, she explained. I couldn't argue with her reasoning. That didn't mean her words didn't make me nauseous.

I was reaching for her, wanting her, needing her, losing her! Losing her!

"Alice," I hissed, "has it occurred to you that the Volturi might see you as an accomplice? That if you're too late, Edward might not be the only one who gets himself killed?" I heard her give a brief, humorless laugh.

"I've thought of that," she replied grimly. The Volturi were not known for their mercy. They were known and feared for their thoroughness. They would not ask questions or hear explanations. If Alice and Bella failed to stop my brother, they could be considered guilty by association. At least, Alice could be. Bella would merely be food. Even worse, Alice might decide to throw herself between Edward and the guard.

"Alice, promise me, if you can't save Edward, you will get yourself out of there," I begged. "Please. Don't try to be a hero if it's already too late. I need you to promise me you'll come home."

She was so close! She was right in front of me! This time I would catch her. I had to catch her!

"Yes, I promise," she agreed. I didn't believe her.

"No. Alice, I'm not staying behind!" I exclaimed. "Wait for me in New York!"

"Don't follow me." Her voice was pleading now.

"Alice," I begged, "please let me come with you! Don't do this."

Again and again, she would slip away, disappear, leave me empty-handed and alone.

"I promise, Jasper." There was a note of finality in her voice. Alice was done arguing with me. "One way or another, I'll get out."

For a moment, we were both silent. I couldn't seem to remember how to speak. Or breathe.

"Be careful," I whispered at last. "Please come home. I love you, Alice."

"And I love you," she answered softly.

The sound of a dial tone signaled that she had hung up. I remained frozen in place, staring at the phone I held in my deathly pale hand. She would be fine, I tried to tell myself. She would come home. She had to come home. This would not be the last time I ever heard her voice…

I lunged once again. Alice laughed, a beautifully clear, sparkling laugh, and vanished from my sight. An instant later, I felt her lightweight body land on my back, and her thin fingers grip me firmly by the shoulders.

"Gotcha," she whispered, so close that I could feel her breath on my neck. A second later, I felt her lips there instead. Once again, I hadn't been able to hold onto her. Once again, she had come back to me all on her own. Again she had shown that she could take care of herself.

"You truly are one frightening little monster," I laughed, as she hopped off of my shoulders.

And I was truly frightened. I was more frightened than I had ever been before any of the countless battles I'd faced. I hoped I had at least managed to convince Bella with this little demonstration that Alice was going to be all right. Because, despite Alice's obvious prowess, despite her flawless evasions, despite all her reassurances, I still had not managed to convince myself.

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Have I mentioned I really love getting reviews? They make me ecstatic. As always, constructive criticism is welcome too. I just want to hear what people think.


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